Things That Piss Me Off: Non-Smokers

Recently public smoking bans in Michigan have turned out droves of smokers from their former nooks and crannies of cramped bar space and poured them out onto the sidewalks surrounding their favorite haunts. As an avid smoker and tobacco enthusiast, I too have been affected by this ban. And although I consider the rationale behind the ban illegitimate and a moronic falsehood of gargantuan proportions, I still have to abide by the law and not smoke indoors in public places. It upsets me to hear the words "health crisis" being thrown around so carelessly and directed with a nasty stigma towards me and all my fellow compatriots who choose to indulge in a relaxing cigarette. Frankly it pisses me off to no end and let me tell you why:

1. Second Hand Smoke - The number one complaint in this health "pandemic" of smoking, is non-smoker's exposure to that nasty second hand smoke. Well here's an idea - DON'T GO OUT TO BARS AND RESTAURANTS THAT HAVE SMOKING IN THEM. What a novel thought, I just won't give patronage to the establishments where I feel uncomfortable, for any reason, and choose to spend my time at their competitors. Or maybe I'll just sit in the NO SMOKING SECTION, if I am really that bothered by it. On top of that the militant non-smokers are always bemoaning the fact that they are being exposed to noxious, toxic clouds of poisonous smoke that are killing them. I wish they were, and haste would be appreciated. Unfortunately unless you spend a lot of your time around someone who is perpetually smoking in your face, you will never get enough accumulated tar and carcinogens to give yourself the accompanying deleterious health effects. One night at a bar for a couple hours probably takes as much time off your life as standing next to microwave, and certainly less damage to your body than THE ALCOHOL YOU ARE CONSUMING. So it is one thing to complain about how your hair and clothes smell upon returning home from the bar, but don't whine about how its taken seven minutes of your life after your prolonged exposure. Don't piss on my leg and tell me it's raining.

2. Militant Non-Smokers - Recently my lovely girlfriend was accosted by an over eager anti-smoking dweeb, some sort of hybrid combination between a public service advertisement and a Michael Moore confrontationist. This new breed of Dudley Do-Right Doofus was most likely spawned from the truth movement, a hip MTV-chic group of Nazi youth hell bent on making smoking uncool with ads that all seem to carry an underlying "fuck you dad" sentiment. Now that we smokers have been forced out on the esplanade, their is no protection for us from the menacing nemesis of the over opinionated pedestrian. In the warped minds of the militant it seems okay to approach a total stranger and lambaste their sovereignty by attacking the choices they make. Maybe their time would be better spent if they terrorized a McDonald's and slapped the double cheeseburgers out of the hands of the obese. The last time I checked this was still a free country- I don't go up unknown folks and then criticize them for eating red meat, driving a car, drinking, or any other behavior that could be harmful to me in an insignificant way or harmful to themselves. Isn't that what made America? The ability to do stupid things that are terrible for ourselves on every level? Isn't that freedom? Isn't that the double-down sandwich? Shouldn't that be accompanied with warnings for heart disease and obesity? Give me a fucking break. I need other people legislating my choices like I need teeth in my asshole. I am very well aware of the effects of cigarettes, which is why I've always smoked Spirits, and yes I am aware what it will do to my lungs and maybe my skin. I don't need an enthusiastic reminder begging to be punched in the face.

3. The "Right Reasons" - In sycophantic lock step with the cretins that govern our society the University of Michigan recently decided to ban smoking on campus. This was a blow, but I didn't see the ban really stopping anyone, the ashtrays will be removed but the butts will remain. What was interesting to me though was initially this was pushed forth as the MHealth initiative or some similar sounding rubbish. Recently the ulterior motives of Mary Sue Coleman were revealed...

Coleman serves on Johnson & Johnson’s Board of Directors. According to public SEC Filings, Coleman was compensated a total of $229,978 for her role in 2009.[1]

Johnson & Johnson and its subsidiaries produce a host of expensive nicotine replacement products including NicoDerm, NicoDerm CQ, Nicorette, Nicotrol, and Chantix.[2] According to Coleman, the Smoke-Free Initiative would be enforced by referring students, faculty, and staff who violate the policy to “behavioral sessions” and offering them free or subsidized “selected over-the-counter smoking cessation products” manufactured by Johnson & Johnson and its subsidiaries.[3]

Under this policy, the University would subsidize products made by Johnson & Johnson – the very company that generously compensates Coleman for sitting on its Board of Directors. With the Smoke-Free Initiative, through which the University would purchase an increased amount of nicotine replacement products, it is likely that Johnson & Johnson would stand to benefit financially.

“J&J benefits from public policies that reduce smoking because it produces two leading products to help people quit, NicoDerm patches and Nicorette gum,” noted The Wall Street Journal in 2009.

Public Health Indeed. Its always money isn't it?

Fuck off

Let me smoke in peace

- DJV